It has been days. Days of unrest, of healing and of the constant bombardment of doctors and nurses and tests. Callia hasn’t had a moment to herself in that time, not the way she would have preferred to. The holo novel Zet had left for her helped for a time, letting her mind drift off into some fantasy realm where worrying about her state of being or the state of the galaxy was not her problem.
It was nice, to finally get to the hotel with the others and hide herself away in the room she shared with the Selonian. It was even more thankful when the Selonian decided to disappear for the afternoon. She had time to sit and think. Perhaps even time to put the emotional turmoil bubbling beneath the surface to rest.
The ex-Padawan sat down on the floor in what she judged to be the center of the room. It was hard to tell when everything was still a blur. Her eyes closed to shut out the little light she could make out. In the past few weeks, she found herself falling back into the habits of meditation with general ease. It was a comforting place to be, in her own mind and surrounded in a protective cocoon of the Force.
Today it was harder to accomplish. She was still wracked with guilt and shame for her unbecoming actions in the Temple on Jiroch. She felt unrest and unease with how close she had come to the Dark Side. Not even during the Clone Wars had she come face-to-face with any Dark Force user, let alone a Sith. The fact that said Sith was a girl she once called a friend only added to the hurt she felt. Callia took a deep breath, finding herself shuddering. Her eyes felt wet.
“Why Sora?” She murmured.
It was from there that she fell. The Force embraced her, a warm light enveloping her on all sides. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering, suffering leads to the Dark Side. The words were so clear in her mind, as if the Grandmaster were speaking them to her himself. Suffering you are, young Jedi. Fear and anger, you felt.
It was a conversation she had hear before, but not in such a drastic context. It was a conversation most Jedi heard from the Grandmaster in some iteration or another. Mistake, you made. Infallible, you are not. Learn from this, you must. She remembered the words so clearly. She fell back into that memory, a young Padawan standing before the Council. Her eyes were cast downward as disapproval radiated off of the members before her. She had struck another student in anger after they insulted her friend. There had been a bad injury, one strong enough for both Padawans to require the censure of the Council. Her shame had been great then as well, but now the incident seemed trivial compared to the trial she had faced and failed.
“I will learn from this, Master Yoda.” She spoke to the empty room, the memory swirling away from her. “I know you must be disappointed in me, Master Alesca. I went in blind, over my head and I put beings in danger.”
The Force, despite it’s disapproval, seemed to sooth her. It knew. They all knew.
“It’s ironic that I am now blind myself. Perhaps this is your will, though. To teach me a lesson?” She chuckled at the thought, but the Force rings it’s approval. It’s a lesson she has yet to figure out, whatever that lesson may be.
Callia sighs softly, letting her mind empty further. Her Master appeared before her, same as she always had. Facing our fears and conquering them is not easy, Callia. She said. This is a task you must do alone. You run from the past rather than come to terms with it. If you truly want to become a Jedi, you must stop running. I believe in you.
She had expected this. She knew this, on some subconscious level. The past was scary. She had run from it all her adult life. Even now, part of her was still running…from responsibility, from the Empire, even from the Rebellion. She was not ready, not yet. Something was holding her back.
You are holding yourself back.
The Force rang loudly with this realization. It surprised her, caused her to waver momentarily. She knew it, of course she did. Perhaps it just needed to be said ‘out loud’ for her to truly realize it.
The only person who is blinding you is yourself.